I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
