I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
