i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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