i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
