you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
