3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Someone came in the potted fern
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
