It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
