I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
