wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
