Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
