I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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