Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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