somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
