sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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