Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
