Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
