in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
