the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
