my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
