Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
