So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
