On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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