i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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