I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
