So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I came so hard my ears popped.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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