never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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