dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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