You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
