Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
