you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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