Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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