Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
