Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
