THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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