I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
