Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
