Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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