I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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