Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
