I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
