there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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