I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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