is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
