oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
