I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
