I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
