I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
