So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
