I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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