Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Randomize
